grandma shit on top of the toilet
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
