OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
