It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I forget how to act sober
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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