best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
