my mouth tastes like poor choices
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Randomize
