As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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