We won't sleep together?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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