Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
