You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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