Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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