Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Randomize
