dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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