so let's talk penis.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Randomize
