New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
