I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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