I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Randomize
