your thong is hanging out like whoa
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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