he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
