my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
don't judge my taste in strippers
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
