The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I smell like Dick and happiness
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
