im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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