Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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