dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
