he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
