He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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