well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
