My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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