My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
