god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Bang-toberfest begins!!
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
