genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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