Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
