everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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