to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
