Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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