the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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