im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
