just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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