Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
