Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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