Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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