someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
The best revenge is premature balding
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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