Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
