I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
