The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
