I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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