OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I am midnight drunk by noon
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
