everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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