My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I wish my penis had an off switch
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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