I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
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