He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
