this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
