I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
