DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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